Thursday, February 05, 2004

Well, it has been an eventful week. My cough went way south last Thursday, and I had to start antibiotics and albuterol. I could hardly breathe. I was wheezing and unable to function. I continued to be very ill, and then Saturday morning woke up to an antibiotic reaction........same sort that I had with the first miscarriage. So, Bill ran to the clinic and got some benadryl and gave me a shot and as soon as Tim got to the clinic, I went in and he gave me a steroid shot. My panic level was pretty high. We think that the antibiotic reaction that I had with the first baby that I lost triggered my immune system to go into hyper-overdrive, which caused all 4 miscarriages....so, of course I freaked out when I woke up to swollen hands and urticaria. Not a very fun day. I have been on benadryl around the clock since then, and that seems to be keeping it under control, somewhat. The Benadryl totally gorks me out and I just want to sleep all the time, so I hope the reaction cools down soon. I still have the durn cough, but I think it is improving. At least I feel a bit better!

So, it seems that I am allergic to penicillin now. I have taken it many times before, without any problems, so what's up with that!?

As for Little Missy, she seems to have handled all of it without any problems. I had a Non-stress test done on Monday, and an US on Tuesday, and both showed a healthy baby and healthy placenta. Whew. She weighs about 4lbs 10oz now, so she is growing and putting on weight without a doubt!

As for me, mentally, I have been a total wreck. It was so stressful and brought back all the memories of the miscarriages. I was, and still am, worried about the baby. The longer the urticaria stays, the more I obsess. We are not even sure if the reaction I had when I was pregnant in 2/02 had anything to do with the miscarriages. The blood work I had indicated such, and I associate the rash with them, so that is enough to make me completely freaked out. She has the hiccups as I type this, which makes me smile, and realize that I am starting the mind games again! LOL!

Time to remind myself about having faith.

When I found out that I was pregnant, I remember being so sure that it would, again, fail. We had booked a week at the beach before we found out about the pregnancy, and that week fell in my 6th and 7th week of pregnancy.....prime miscarriage time. We decided to go ahead and keep our plans, and I am so glad we did.

On our first day at the beach, I took Quinn for a walk while the older boys surfed with their Dad, and we tried to find a sand dollar. The waves came up on the beach pretty hard, so everything that we found was smashed to a pulp. I remember praying as I walked "Well, maybe if this pregnancy is meant to be, God, you will give me a sign and I will find a perfect sand dollar". I think I actually prayed it sort of flippantly, sort of "expect the impossible" mentality. We walked the beach every morning while we were there, and all we found were little, broken pieces of sand dollars.

The last full day that we were there, we decided to go to the beach in the evening because the surf was up. We were leaving in the morning, and the boys wanted to ride some waves one more time. While all the big boys went surfing, Quinn and I played in the sand and walked the beach picking up bits of shells. There was a small sand bar that was exposed in some shallow water by the out-going tide, so we waded out to it and looked for treasures. As soon as we started looking, I saw a round shape in the water. I reached down and picked it up. It was a perfect sand dollar.

When I married Bill, 13 years ago, his mother gave me a gold sand dollar charm. She told me that her MIL had given one to her for luck, when she married Bill's Dad, so she wanted me to have one too. I wear that sand dollar, on the same chain with my cross, to remind me of God's love and of His promises.

I have the sand dollar put away in a box up in my closet, and I will give it to Amelia one day and tell her the story of how it came to me.

THE LEGEND OF THE SAND DOLLAR

There's a pretty little legend,
That I would like to tell
Of the birth and death of Jesus
Found in this lowly shell

If you examine closely,
You'll see that you find here
Four nail holes and a fifth one
Made by a Roman's Spear.

On one side the Easter Lily,
Its center is the star
That appeared unto the shepherds
And led them from afar.

The Christmas poinsettia
Etched on the other side
Reminds us of His birthday
Our Happy Christmastide.

Now break the center open,
And here you will release
The five white doves awaiting
To spread Good Will and Peace.

This simple little symbol,
Christ left for you and me
To help us spread his Gospel
Through all eternity.



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