Monday, September 22, 2003

Today was a very quiet, at home kind of day. Quinn was still whining and a bit cranky, so we just did our thing at home. I got lots of cleaning done, and even cleaned out the fridge!!

Still feeling bad. Seems the worst of it is first thing in the morning, and after 5pm. I know this will pass, and I am so grateful for the nausea, as it indicates, for me, that things are as they should be. Funny, but before the miscarriages, I never appreciated morning sickness and its role in pregnancy! I basically just glided through them with nary a thought that things might not be okay. I worried more about the deliveries than anything. Pregnancy just always resulted in a baby at the end.

The birth of my last son was so stressful. His heart rate dropped into the 60's, and stayed down. We were sure I had ruptured my uterus, as my blood pressure bottomed out. I delivered him on the bed as they were wheeling me to the OR. I remember looking over at the warming table after the delivery and seeing him kick his legs, and realized that his left foot looked strange. I turned to my husband and said "He has clubfoot, doesn't he". My husband couldn't even answer me. I remember saying "What is the big deal, he's alive for crying out loud". And he was!!! He was gorgeous, and alive, and he had clubfoot. I remember thinking "We can fix that". And we did. It was a long road that we still struggle with from time to time, but his foot is straight, and he is gloriously alive!

That glorious day is so far away right now. I am doing this day by day, and I pray that soon I will be just counting down the hours. Sometimes the day moves so slowly that it panics me. Getting out of the house is the answer, but with sick kiddos and such, it can't always be done. So I clean, play with my children, and try and focus on the positive.....but there is always that nagging, dragging clock.

Tick, tock.

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